I am at Starbucks as I write this. Starbucks has become the place where I tend to be when I have free time.
I used to frequent the Starbucks near my dorm way back when I lived in Manila. The Starbucks there has become a personal landmark for me, because a lot of memories were made there: study dates, all-nighters, org meetings, catching up with friends. Starbucks will always have a small place in my heart.
Because I’m sick, I opted not to get my usual caramel macchiato. Instead, I ordered one of their hot teas. I’m sipping it slowly, trying to take my time with it since I have two hours to kill anyway. This is the first time I’m sitting inside the store and not outside where the smoking area is located. In fact, I can’t remember the last time I didn’t sit in the smoking area. It doesn’t feel right, but I know it’s for the best. I promised you I’d quit, so quit I will.
I am sad. I didn’t do so well in chemistry today. I thought I prepared well, but when I took my test I felt as if I didn’t learn anything. It was quite a demoralizing experience and it bothered me the whole day. I imagined not being able to transfer back to Ateneo and how heartbroken I would be. I imagined the faces of all the close friends I left behind. I imagined the disappointment and shame I would bring upon my parents for not keeping my promise. Those were the thoughts that kept me preoccupied throughout the day.
I know it’s not the end of the world and I can still pull up my grade, but my odds are looking slim. I hope I hang in just enough to make it. I’m definitely going to work harder from now on. I have something to prove to myself, to you, to my family, and to everyone else:
I am not dumb. I am not stupid. I am good enough.